nothing was fervent. nothing was budding. everything was the sickness and then my bed. everything was all midnight all touching myself in dark corners hoping for release. constantly finding myself awake in mornings despite the persistence of retreating. how to sleep forever without dying. how to sleep for- ever without depression. how to sleep forever but someone notices long enough to come and wake you into spring. then summer. then everything I wanted was the birds bothering me with all their muchness outside my window. everything was love, love my season and still the mother sicked herself to sleep with gas and she did not wake up. I remember her every day and pretend a love of both poppies and horses and bread and milk. how I miss her. watch from the ashes and no one rises and how men continue to breathe this air. almost thankful for not being consumed but to instead consume. almost thankful for my bones if not for the fact of my back. depended on you. you depended on nothing but pictures. would wish myself to end if not for the fact my love for the birds and the bees. wished myself into tears. somewhere else an ocean roars I do not see it I do not hear it, I brush my teeth.

An angel came into my room all like BE NOT AFRAID The angel was in flickering black-and-white or in Technicolor depending on the angle The angel was a giant rabbit six foot three or actually the angel was just some guy in a coat The angel was like looking in a mirror but only out of the corner of your eye at night The angel said WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON The angel said I CAN SENSE THE INTENSITY OF YOUR LONGING YOUR LOVE THE WEIGHT OF YOUR DEVOTION NOT TO GOD BUT HUMANITY DOESN’T IT SUCK I said sure he said LOOK WE HAVE THE SAME EYES and so we did numerous and blue the angel said I’M HERE FOR YOU I said okay but as in I’m your friend or as in I’m here

to exhort you to abide by the will of God and we both laughed I said fine what’s God’s will for me then He said through a thousandth mouth I could not see: YOU MUST BE VERY CAREFUL AND YOU MUST BE KIND YOU MUST BE AFRAID YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID YOU MUST BE THE CONDUIT THROUGH WHICH THE WORLD SEES ITSELF A MIRROR HELD INFINITELY UP TO ITSELF EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU LEARN TO ACCEPT THIS YOU MUST BE DECORATIVE YOU MUST BE SUBSTANTIAL YOU MUST BE HYPOTHETICAL YOU MUST BE FOOLPROOF YOU MUST BE FOOLED YOU MUST BE SORRY YOU MUST BE SORRY YOU WILL ENGAGE IN MINOR FORMS

OF PROPHECY AND IT WILL NOT TURN OUT WELL FOR YOU LEARN TO ACCEPT THIS YOU WILL BE ARRAIGNED ON CHARGES OF DESIRE YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED WANT WANT IS ALL YOU WILL HAVE YOU MUST FORGIVE YOU MUST NEVER BE FORGIVEN YOU MUST NOT DO WHAT GOD HAS WILLED FOR YOU EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH WILL BE CHANGED AND FORGET YOU YOU MUST DESTROY YOURSELF YOU MUST ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE DESTROYED IT IS FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND THAT YOU DO THIS and I said where will you be Will you stay with me I said hello?